What is love anyway?
by Kittykat0989
Summary: When his best friend confesses his love for him, Dan Howell is thrown into a spiral of confusion and sets off on a self discovering journey to find out the most important question which needs to be answered. What is love? Will he find the answer or will he lose his best friend in the process? R and R! Will there be Phan? Read and follow etc to find out. 'T'...For now.
1. Chapter 1

_Dan Howell had to be the most oblivious, sarcastic and least serious person Phil had ever met._

_But he'd have been lying if he didn't say they were some of the qualities that he loved most about the younger man._

_Phil Lester was the one person who Dan had found that he could always be himself around no matter what._

_He'd be lying if he said Phil hadn't saved his life and he never wanted him to leave it as long as he lived._

Dan and Phil had been living together for three years now and been best friends for about five. However somewhere along the lines of this amazing friendship they shared Phil had begun to develop feelings for him which only grew over time. They went unnoticed by both for a while and only when Phil discovered how he truly felt for him was when Dan found out as well.

This realisation is what led to the start one of the most intriguing journeys of self discovery that Dan would ever take part in, in his whole life.

What is love?

…

Prologue

…

"_BABY DON'T HURT ME! DON'T HURT ME! NO MORE!"_

Dan sang from the top of his lungs, sat in his favourite internet browsing position with his earphones connected to his Laptop.

'**Just another typical Tuesday'** Phil thought, smiling to himself and he made himself busy in the kitchen. He flicked the switch on the kettle then opened the cupboard door pulling out two cups out before even asking Dan the usual question.

"Hey Dan, I'm making tea do you want some?" Phil called over to Dan who had momentarily removed his headphones when he noticed the ebony haired boy's presence.

"Yeah, thanks Phil" Dan replied sending one of his infamous dimpled grins towards the elder making him glance away swiftly to hide his oncoming blush.

'**Damn it'** Phil mentally scolded himself **'Control yourself Phil. You're twenty seven not fourteen'**

Phil turned his head back to see if Dan was still watching him but he had plugged himself back into his headphones so Phil shook his head dismissing his thoughts and continued making the tea.

"_IF YOU LOVE ME LET ME GOOOO!"_ Phil laughed quietly at Dan's slightly horrific singing and also at the irony of the lyrics but continued his activities regardless.

Two minutes later he was making his way towards the lounge with two steaming mugs armed in each hand. Upon leaving Dan's cup in front of him he was rewarded another smile which he happily returned feeling the butterflies erupt as if on cue.

He walked back towards the kitchen with mug in hand taking deep breaths in order to get his feelings under control.

If Phil was honest about this he was, painfully, aware that he had feelings for Dan. He had never said anything to him (or anyone else for that matter) about it though despite the fact that he did technically have a chance, what with them being (among friends) openly Bisexual. Admitting his feelings wasn't what Phil really feared. Or even rejection.

It was more the transition of going from friends to lovers

He had in the past entertained the possibility of Dan possibly reciprocating his feelings and each time he did he only saw it either being horrifically awkward for them both or ending dramatically and neither of them speaking to each other again. That was the thing that Phil really couldn't stand happening. He had been in the YouTube community for a good while now and had seen his fair share of couples getting together and breaking up for all sorts of reasons. Even those who had the most of unbreakable bonds had become distant with each other and thinking of that happening between him and Dan…

"PHIL!"

He pushed those thoughts away and realised Dan had called out to him in concern as, according to him, he had been stood frozen in position for a few minutes. He blinked harshly as Dan who hastily

"Oh err, yeah Dan? What's up?" He asked forcing a smile. Dan frowned at him before asking

"Are you okay dude? You sort of…I don't know blanked out or something for minute there" He smirked "That's usually my thing isn't it?"

Phil chuckled slightly at that.

"Yeah it isn't it?" He winked at Dan.

Surprisingly stuff like that wasn't unusual. It killed Phil slightly on the inside but they'd always had that sort of a relationship were flirting was just part of their personalities. If he suddenly got uncomfortable or something about it then Dan would surely suspect something so he kept it up

Not that he didn't enjoy it

His response earned him a chuckle from Dan and he relished in his laugh feeling all warm inside again. He smiled back at Dan and began walking away. Dan unfortunately decided he was in an inquisitive mood and followed him back into the kitchen.

"Daydreaming of anything interesting then?"

"Nope"

"Oh come on Phil! You were standing there with a goofy smile on your fa-"

Dan stopped suddenly. Phil turned towards him and saw he had a sinister grin on his face.

"Or maybe you were daydreaming about someone?"

The blush slowly creeped it's way onto Phil's pale face and he turned violently away which told Dan all he needed to know despite Phil spluttering out for him not to be ridiculous. Phil rapidly moved away to lean on the counter with his back to Dan hoping he would drop it. But this was Dan. He never let anything go.

"So who is she…Or he? Come one spill!" Dan persisted, poking him in the side in order to get a reaction from the older and more reluctant man who began giving him a sideways glare.

"Give it up Dan" Phil replied attempting to move past Dan who just continued smirking and sidestepped each time Phil tried to get past him, blocking any escapes he tried to make.

"So you're not denying there is someone then?"

"Seriously Dan, move"

"Not till you tell me"

"Dan I'm not in the mood"

"Well you must be if you're thinking about someone special" Dan replied winking and wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. Phil however did not appreciate the joke.

Phil, quite harshly, pushed past Dan moving back towards to get away from him and his pestering. Dan's face fell in confusion for a few seconds before he was back on Phil's heels.

Phil sighed and practically threw himself onto the sofa wishing for Dan to just drop it and talk about something else or, at the very least, leave him alone. He stiffened when a pair of arms circled around his shoulders and hands clasped against his chest.

"Oh come on Phil, surely it can't be that bad"

Dan couldn't comprehend why Phil was just not telling him. They were best friends right? If it was someone he knew he was hardly going to judge him for it. Unless it was Louise…She's married and Phil's not the type to fall in love with married women…Well he hoped not anyways.

"Dan…" Phil whined turning his head backwards and giving Dan an 'I don't want to say so please stop asking and go away look'

"Seriously Phil. Come on…Do I know them?"

Phil turned away but begrudgingly nodded.

'**Ha!' **Dan thought grinning **'One point to Dan'.** He contemplated his next question before asking

"Is it a girl?"

No response

"So it's a guy then?" The movement was subtle but Phil had nodded however Dan had begun to get impatient.

'**Time to play dirty' **He thought

Phil was getting sick of his pestering so he just answered his questions to get him to shut up. It's not like hinting at who it is told him who it was. Dan then removed one arm from around Phil and used it to start caressing Phil's hair, sending a shiver down his spine which he barely managed to suppress as Dan spoke dangerously close to his ear

"Please tell me Phil"

The sincerity and seducing softness of his voice mixed with their close proximity really was not helping Phil's now raging hormones and feelings towards the younger male who had now opted for resting his chin onto Phil's shoulder.

'**Maybe I should just tell him'** Phil thought **'He's not letting it go anytime soon…**

Dan eventually just sighed. "Stop worrying you idiot. Honestly, just tell me" Dan smiled kindly towards him, eyes shining with care.

Phil swallowed hard. Well it was now or never.

"Okay well erm…I-It's…He's…I'm…Er-

"Phil"

""I'm trying here Dan!"

"Sorry! Sorry…Carry on"

"It's…"

Phil paused once again finding that the words kept getting stuck in his throat. His heart was beating erratically and his breathing had become unsteady and all the while Dan just stood rapped around him and smiling into his shoulder, waiting expectantly. Phil had never felt more sick to the stomach in his life but if he didn't do this now then he had a feeling he might never have a chance to admit his feelings again. Phil sighed standing up and out of Dan's embrace and with only the sofa between them he looked him straight in the eyes and stated

"It's kind of you…I love you, Dan...Like in the whole 'I'm in love with you' sense"

Time stood still.

"Oh"

Dan smile disappeared and he was silent for a few seconds before looking down and simply saying

"Okay then"

Silence

Phil remained still, unsure of how to respond to Dan's seemingly dismissive reaction. Confusion was evident on his face as he stared the younger man down. Dan awkwardly began pulling at the hem of his shirt, eyes glued to the floor.

"I-" Phil took a deep breath to calm down and tried again.

"I erm, I just confessed to you…" Dan nodded eyes still downcast.

"And…All you can say to me is...'Okay then?'" Phil asked incredulously.

"Did you...Want me to say it back, Phil?" Dan inquired quickly glancing up from the floor at him for a few seconds before fixing them back on the ground and shuffling in the same spot, still unable making eye contact with the very confused ebony haired man as he ran a hand frantically through his silky locks. Dan was becoming increasingly uncomfortable as the seconds ticked by all the while with Phil looking expectantly at him.

"I don't...I mean I-I expect some sort of response other than 'okay then'...I Just told you that I LOVED you Dan and well…You've kind of left me hanging here" Phil replied almost jokingly with a half smile towards the end. He moved slightly towards him but stopped when Dan turned his back to him completely.

'I'm sorry Phil, look I-...I don't really know what to say but...I can't say it back" He clenched his fists by his side and walked away from Phil in the direction of his room unable to face the crushed expression he knows he'll see. It's not that he didn't want to say it back exactly, it was just he wasn't sure how he felt about his best friend…After all these years of 'just being friends' how could he just be expected to respond like that?

It's not like he hadn't thought about things like that with Phil. I mean have you seen the amount of people who want them together? Sometimes he thinks even his own friends ship them sometimes…But…

"Dan! I'm not asking for a love confession or anything" Phil called out frantically, becoming more upset as this whole scenario unfolded and he began panicking. "I just want to know where I stand...You were the one who kept asking me! How do YOU feel?! That's all I want to know…Dan?" His voice broke slightly the end.

Dan stopped outside his door, an aching sensation forming in his chest, and whispered back a response just loud enough for Phil to hear.

"I don't know"

'**I don't even know what love is' **He thoughtand with that he locked himself in his room as Phil slid to the floor and allowed his drained emotions to consume him whilst he cried.

…

**AN: So after much consultation (acciophandom) and much supportive reviews and chats (Its-real-to-us) I have decided to write this hopefully not too terrible Phan story with an explosion of feelings. I promise in future chapters plenty of angst, romance, heartache, pain, joy and tears! :D SO R&R AND GET READY FOR AN EMOTIONAL ****ROLLER COASTER (life**** shameless self promo for other story) OF A RIDE**


	2. Chapter 2

Awkward

That was the definition of the ongoing atmosphere in Dan and Phil's apartment for the past few days. Neither male tried to talk to each other after recent events which had occurred. Well, that wasn't true exactly.

Phil had made numerous attempts to communicate with Dan but he either deflected his advances at conversation or just plain blanked him so, after awhile Phil gave up and went about his business as if nothing had happened.

But Dan couldn't do that either.

Since Phil had confessed Dan was constantly on edge with everything he did. He became increasingly aware of any contact he made with Phil from the simplest arm brush as they passed each other in the halls to the same cups they used to make tea in and each time he made a mental note on how to avoid it. From any one else's point of view Dan was being ridiculous and unfair towards Phil, treating him as though he had some sort of disease that meant he had to be avoided at all cost. But from Dan's point of view he was protecting himself and, in a way, Phil. By keeping himself away from Phil he was preventing Phil's feelings from getting deeper (not that you can get deeper than love really) and stopping the confusing pain he was beginning to experience whenever he was around him whilst he figured out how he felt.

But all the while Dan was trying to avoid Phil, Phil was doing the opposite and trying to make any and every excuse to stay close to Dan and talk to him again

"Dan, we need to film another Phil is not on fire again soon" Phil would casually try to start.

"Mhmm" Dan would dismissively respond

And again

"Do want some tea Dan? I was just about to put the kettle on"

"No thanks"

And again.

"Can we please talk Dan?"

"Sorry, I'm busy"

Phil just couldn't bare it anymore so he stopped trying and kept to himself. Eventually it got to the point where they were both constantly in their respective rooms and making no contact with each other or anyone else at all. Phil, constantly beating himself up for telling Dan about his feelings and Dan, questioning everything he had with Phil and himself in general.

It was about two weeks later when Dan finally broke the silence barrier that seemed to have formed around them since the confession. It was a Friday evening when Dan strolled into the lounge dressed in his usual black skinny jeans, a black shirt and his leather over-shirt. Phil discreetly looked him over before catching himself and bringing his attention back to the Tv which he wasn't really paying attention to in the first place.

"Phil" Dan spoke getting Phil's attention. Phil's head shot up straight away, eyes filled slightly with disbelief that Dan was finally talking to him and not the other way round.

"Y-yeah?" '**Damn it' **Phil thought to himself.** 'Don't stammer now!' **Phil cleared his throat and continued

"What's up?" Dan glanced sideways before responding

"I'm going out tonight. I won't be back till late so…" He shoved his hands into his pockets waiting for Phil's reaction. Phil was quite surprised that Dan was seemingly going out by himself at his time but he wasn't about to risk questioning Dan after he was _finally_ talking to him

"Okay, have fun!" Phil replied enthusiastically beaming back at Dan which caused Dan to half smile back at him before nodding and walking out the door of their apartment. Phil waited patiently until he heard the door click closed before he allowed a small smile to grace his face

'**Maybe we'll be okay**' Phil considered '**Maybe everything will work out if I give him some time**' He smiled at the thought of all this being just a blip in their relationship and everything getting better soon whilst settling back down in front of the television and allowing his thoughts to drift away whilst he mindlessly watched whatever was on.

After about fifteen minutes however he just couldn't stand being as bored as he was so he grabbed his laptop and plugged in his headphones and began to quietly sing the first song that came on shuffle.

_No I know._

_That I can't make you stay_

_But where's your heart_

_But where's your heart_

_But where's your…_

…

The atmosphere in this dingy out of the way club was heavy with smoke and sweaty bodies pressed up against each other on the dance floor grinding and moving to the rhythmic beats of the latest new songs that were playing. Words could hardly be heard over the pulsing of the music and Dan had to shout pretty loudly to get the attention of the barkeeper to order what must have been his seventh shot at this point. Not that he cared about that, he was out to get drunk and forget for a while anyways. If Phil was here he probably wouldn't have felt so damn alone.

Dan let out a strenuous sigh**.**

'**It always comes back to Phil doesn't it?' **Dan closed his eyes tightly at the sensation beginning to fill his chest

'**I can't even go one night without thinking about him apparently. Fucking love…Is that what this is?' **Shaking his head dismissively he downed his shot and slammed it back down onto the counter without a second thought.

A young, dark haired woman had made her way over to the bar from the dance floor and signalled towards bartender for another drink. Dan noticed her next to him and realised she must have been a regular here if all she had to do was signal to get what she wanted, however within these few seconds of a glace she had looked at him and noticed him looking back. She smirked towards him and he swiftly looked away embarrassed at getting caught watching a random woman ordering a drink. She however seemed to loved this and scooted closer to him trying to get his attention again.

"Well hello there handsome" She commented throwing a wink towards him

"Er…Hey" Dan replied awkwardly quickly throwing her a quick smile before finding the empty shot glass he was holding incredibly interesting all of a sudden. She was not perturbed by this is the slightest however.

"So I noticed that you were looking at me and I was wondering if maybe you wanted to dance?" She replied batting her eye lids at him flirtatiously and casually placing a hand on his bare arm. He gulped at the close proximity the woman was creating with him and was becoming increasingly uncomfortable so he replied

"Sorry I wasn't looking at you, like _that_" he threw her an awkward smile before ordering another shot. She looked shocked at him rejecting her advances until she took him in and his appearance. Her confused features then morphed into one of understanding.

"Ah. I get it" He threw her another awkward sideways smile, grateful that she had gotten the hint, before drinking his shot

"You like men"

And then proceeded to choke on it.

He swallowed his drink harshly and then had a mini coughing fit much to the amusement of the beautiful woman next to him who raised a hand to her lips to hide her smile. After Dan had finished coughing she continued

"You aren't the first one to come here that's g-

"I'm not gay" Dan cut her off quite rudely practically throwing his glass down. She was quite taken aback by his sudden outburst but continued to eye him curiously as if she didn't quite believe him. The song currently playing had finished and the DJ was preparing a new one so Dan threw caution to the wind and grabbed the woman's wrist, dragging her towards the dance floor

"You wanna dance? Then let's dance."

Upon reaching the overly crowded floor Dan realised that maybe he had let himself get worked up for no reason and acted stupidly and carelessly. However now he had a strange random woman winding her arms around his neck and waiting for the song to eventually start. Dan wasn't used to this kind of thing so he just decided to go along with it. It couldn't hurt right?

'**I can always blame it on the alcohol later' **Dan grinned slightly looking down at the woman who he just realised had the most striking blue eyes. Almost like…

_Hey a casual affair_

_That could go anywhere_

_And only for tonight_

"Oh I love this song!" she smirked moving her body gracefully and erotically against his own.

_Just lay in the atmosphere_

_A casual affair_

_Lay in the atmosphere _

_A casual affair_

He pathetically tried to imitate her actions (or any of the males around him that caught his eye) and ended up placing his hands by her hips as she expertly manoeuvred her body around both him and the dance floor. Eventually he got into the rhythm of the dancing and pulled her closer after giving her a twirl.

"You learn quick" she remarked sliding her hand down his chest seductively as he placed a hand upon her lower back and carefully yet elegantly guided her into a dip. As she came back up she rested her arms back around his neck he nonchalantly replied

"I'm a very fast learner" sending her a sly wink

She grinned back at him, her eyes becoming heavy with desire as they continued to move around the dance floor

_Just lay in the atmosphere _

_A casual affair_

_Lay in the atmosphere_

_A casual affair_

By the end of the song they had stopped moving and just held onto each other. She reached up and placed her hand against his cheek gently and caressed it. After a few frozen moments of smiling at each other she spoke up.

"Want to go some place more…_Quiet_?" She inquired putting heavy emphasis on the last word suggestively.

"Don't you want to know my name first?" he replied looking pretty smug with himself

"Knowing someone's name involves acknowledging that person and their feelings…Do you really want to do that?" Dan's eyes narrowed slightly at the statement

"I came here to forget"

"Then follow me and I'll definitely help you forget"

Dan was at this point heavily intoxicated from both the alcohol and the atmosphere of the club and the one he had created with this strange woman. That and he was a man who had needs in the end…

'**Besides, I can blame it on the alcohol'**

"Okay" and breathing heavily he allowed him self to be pulled out of the crowd and into a back room where she then proceeded to push him back into the wall and attach her lips to his almost urgently. Her body was pressed up against his, moving slowly and sensually against his now enhanced and sensitive skin. Her hands delicately found their way under his shirt and lightly clawed down Dan's back causing him to shiver in pleasure and anticipation. She disconnected her lips from his to catch her breath which Dan took as an opportunity to flip her around so she was the one pinned against the wall and continued to attach his lips to the pale skin on her neck, sucking and nipping which was sure to leave a mark. Her moans seemed to make Dan believe he was still as good at this as he used to be. She however was more concerned about her other clients noticing.

She pushed him back slightly giving him a dazzling grin before asking the impending question that had to be asked

"So…Your place or mine?" His smile faltered for a second when he thought about what Phil would say if he brought a random girl from a bar home. That and so soon after he had told him that he-

The woman was becoming impatient and began getting worried at the look on Dan's face so she started leaving gentle kisses along his exposed neck which forced Dan's mind to go completely blank with her attached to the most sensitive part of his body…Well second sensitive at this point

"Yo-Yours. I have someone back at my flat" He groaned as she pressed her hips firmly against his and removed her hands from beneath his shirt.

"Great" She grabbed his arm and led him outside borrowing his phone to call for a taxi. After a ten minute wait, filled with plenty of kissing and the occasional grope, the taxi pulled up and they climbed inside. Another five minutes later and Dan found himself inside a small caravan in a dingy neighbourhood full of thugs and criminals. Dan gulped but everything was soon forgotten when the beautiful woman with the dark hair, blue eyes and pale skin began continuing their actions from earlier.

'**Besides, I can blame it on the alcohol'**

…

"_Hey Dan it's me again, Phil…But you know that already because I'm in your phonebook. Anyways I've texted and called but you haven't picked up so…. I know I told you to go and have fun but its like-…Six in the morning. I'm just worried. Look I know we're not talking or anything but…Please just give me a call and let me know you're okay? Alright, bye._

End of message

**AN: DAN NO WHAT ARE DOING?!...Wait this is my fault…I'M SO SORRY!**

**Hey there! Didn't expect me to update that soon did you? (Neither did I but that's what happens when you have an idea) I hope you enjoyed it! (And I apologise profusely…This is actually the first straight scene I've ever written) Reviews give me inspiration and joy so do that and I'll send you lots of strawberry Poptarts! **

**Will Phil find out about this random woman Dan's slept with? How will he react if he does? Is this the end of Dan and Phil's relationship? **

**Stay tuned for more…(*hint* follow/favourite *hint)***


	3. Chapter 3

Usually the first thing that any normal person notices when they wake up is their surroundings, the familiar comfort of their beds that they've grown so used to sleeping in or, hell, maybe even just the patterns on the ceiling they wake up to every morning. But the first thing Dan notices is the annoying blinking light on his phone indicating he has a message, which really wasn't helping the throbbing in his head due to the horrendous hangover he had developed.

He groaned rubbing his sleep ridden eyes with one hand and picking his phone up with the other, swiping his thumb across the screen of the phone to unlock it as he sat up slightly and yawned. His head was beginning to throb more as he tried to remember last night. Dancing, drinking and a pretty woman were all the information his brain would care to provide him with at the moment. Opening one eye mid yawn he glanced down briefly at his phone and paused.

_You have twenty four missed calls and 16 new messages._

'_**What the fuck?' **_Dan thought to himself checking the missed calls. Who had been so desperate to get a hold of him last night?

Dan felt his stomach turn over in the worst possible way as he scrolled down his call history. Twenty from Phil, three from PJ and one from his house phone (Phil again probably). As he opened his inbox he discovered that the messages did not help quell the guilt which was steadily starting to building.

_Phil - 04:07: Hey Dan I know you said you'd be out late but it's like four in the morning. Text me when you see this okay? X_

His stomach began churning even more as he went on reading

_Phil - 05:15: Okay I'm getting kind of worried now Dan…Look I know were not exactly getting on at the minute but surely you could text me back or something just to let me know you're okay? X_

_Phil – 05:27: Seriously Dan. I'm calling around if you don't answer you phone on the next ring._

"Shit" Dan mumbled. He must have put Phil through hell worrying. He took a deep breath before checking the other messages which weren't from Phil

_Peej – 05:40: Hey man, Phil just called. Everything Alright? He said you're out but not answering him. Call me or him or something as soon as._

Oh he was in so much shit. He clicked PJ's other message

_Peej – 06:30: Okay seriously, now even I'm starting to worry. Look, Phil's panicking so will you just get off your probably drunk ass and get home? (Much love) _

There were various other messages from people such as Zoe, Alfie, Joe, Tyler and Troye but he wasn't up for reading most of them at the moment. Why had he called Tyler and Troye though? They weren't even in England…Did Phil think he'd left the country or something?

Dan definitely couldn't bring himself to listen to the voicemail he had waiting especially if he couldn't even handle the messages. Reading them was stressful enough and, assuming the message was from Phil, he wasn't quite ready to hear his voice again just yet. Just thinking about him made the guilt surge again.

It was at this point that he finally realised (as if the texts and missed calls weren't enough of a hint) that he wasn't anywhere he recognised. And he was completely naked.

'_**Fuck!'**_

He swung his legs over the edge of the bed faster than a lightening bolt and scanned the room quickly for his clothes and any other sign of human life. He frowned when he noticed his clothes neatly folded on top of a wooden chair on the other side of the room with his wallet and a piece of paper folded on top. He threw off the flimsy bed sheet and dashed towards the pile, grabbing his boxers and hastily pulling them on before reading the note.

_Dear Handsome,_

_I had a great time last night. Unfortunately because you left marks I had to charge you double the usual rates. But here's my number if you ever feel like going for round two…But next time try not to moan out a guy's name. Kind of doesn't help the whole 'I'm not gay' thing x_

And surely enough at the bottom of the note was the eleven digit number next to what looked like a lipstick print. Dan suddenly felt as if he was going to be sick. Wait…A guy's name? Surely he hadn't been thinking about…During…Dan shook the thoughts away. Guilt. That was the obvious explanation. Flipping the paper over, he noticed more writing

_P.S. There's some Paracetamol and water on the table. Oh and don't bother waiting for me. I never return or use the same place twice. Also I'd check your phone. It kept going off during…Well, you know. Not that you noticed ;)_

'**Crap' **Dan shook his head angrily and cringed at the last part. No way of confronting her about what happened last night then. Not that he actually needed to ask her what happened. By this point it was pretty obvious what he had gone and stupidly done. Slept with some random girl who hit on him in a bloody club. Classy Dan…

Wait…_Double the usual rates?_

Snatching up his wallet and opening it, surely enough, there was about one five pound note left. **'Oh even better' **Dan thought **'a bloody prostitute has taken most of my money. Could this get any worse?'**

He dragged a hand over his face in frustration and took in his surroundings a bit more clearly. The room he was currently in was obviously prepared for any man willing (Or pissed enough in Dan's case) to sleep with a street walker. The room was dimly lit by the closed curtains across a small window and a double bed in the centre. It had a sweet aroma from the unlit candles placed round the room as well as the sweaty after smell of sex. The sex Dan had with a prostitute. With the sick feeling returning he stood up and moved towards the table.

Grabbing the pill and glass off the table he swallowed the pain killer and sipped the water slowly as he weighed up his options to how to go about the situation.

He slept with a prostitute. No way in hell was that acceptable in general never mind if he actually added Phil into the equation. Phil made everything ten times worse. Not that it was his fault of course…That was Dan's for going out and getting completely shit faced.

'_**Phil' **_Dan groaned internally. He could NOT in any circumstance find out about this horrific experience. It would crush him. **'Shit, shit, **_**shit**_**' **Dan repeated in his head as he quickly attempted to climb into his pants, shoving the note into his back pocket whilst scrolling down his contact list looking for a specific name before pressing call. He was just about done pulling his shirt on when a familiar voice answered

"Hello? Dan?"

"Louise, Thank god" he sighed, relieved she had answered and, from the lack of shouting, didn't appear to know anything about him not getting home last night. But just to be sure…

"What's wrong? You sound out of breath"

"Nothing…Listen," He began "Phil hasn't called you anytime between last night and now has he?" There was a pause as he assumed she was checking her calls/messages.

"I have a few missed calls from him at about…Wow, half six. I must have left my phone in the other room and not heard it"

"Okay good…Don't answer him if he calls!" He added quickly. So she definitely didn't know. That means he had options now.

"Seriously Dan, what on earth is going on?" Louise questioned

"I need your help…Can I come round now?"

"Aren't you home with Phil? Where are you?"

"I-…It's complicated" He rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, grateful that the medicine was starting to take effect but he was still completely neck deep in the shit he had ultimately created. God if he could turn back the clock…

"Alright come round" She eventually replied after a small pause

"I er, might need to borrow some money from you for a taxi as well when I get there"

"You better have a good explanation for this Daniel James Howell" He sighed and, replying his thanks, ended the call and swiftly exited the caravan and out onto the open sidewalk. He eventually found a street sign from where he called a taxi and awaited its arrival thinking about seeing Phil again and what he was going to tell him.

'**If Louise doesn't kill me first' **He noted darkly.

…

Twenty minutes later

"**YOU DID WHAT?!" **

Dan cringed and shrank back into the sofa, away from Louise's intimidating glare. So maybe he shouldn't have risked Louise's wrath and taken somebody else's instead.

"I…Slept with a prostitute?" Dan quietly squeaked, covering his face and waiting for the impending blow she looked like she was about to deliver. Sighing, she brushed a stray lock of blonde hair from her face and gave Dan a half tired stern look. Dan looked away in shame wishing she had just hit him instead of looking at him like that.

"Okay Dan. Let me get this straight" She sat down on next to him and raised her hands, listing off as she went along.

"You went out after having a 'sort of' argument with Phil and you haven't really been talking to him" Dan wasn't really keen on telling Louise about his best friend's confession if he could help it so he nodded.

"You then proceed to get hammered to the point where you slept with not just a random any woman…But a prostitute?"

"Well to be fair I was drunk, upset and I hardly knew she was a prostitute at the time did I? Not till she left me a note saying she took all my damn money" Dan defended but Louise threw up her hands in despair and stressed

"Oh I suppose all those excuses make it all okay then do they?" Dan sighed placing his face between his hands as he began to regret getting her involved. Running a hand through his already messed up hair he mumbled

"Of course it doesn't. I just-" He paused to swallow the lump forming in his throat and the stinging sensation filling his eyes. Suddenly Louise's phone started to ring and vibrate on the table and with a glance at the caller ID both of them froze.

_Phil Lester calling…_

There was a long pause before Louise spoke

"I have to answer Dan…"

"Shit, fuck…Can you not just…Tell him I'm not here?"

"Jesus Christ Dan! He's probably worried sick about you. I can't lie to him like that"

"Fine okay…Then tell him that I slept here or something please! I'll speak to him when I get back I just can't…Not right now…Please" Dan pleaded

She gave him a disdained look and pressed answer on her phone.

"Hey Phil!" Louise answered cheerfully turning up the volume on her phone so Dan could also hear what was said on the other side of the conversation from Phil.

"_Hey Louise…Sorry to bug you like this…"_

"You're not bugging me Phil" Louise smiled sadly. "What do you need?"

"_Well it's just that-…You haven't seen Dan have you? He never came home last night and I've tried calling him and some others but…Well nothing. I'm super worried"_

Phil's voice sounded tired and was cracking which was probably from lack of sleep due to being concerned about Dan. Looking away for a second in guilt, Dan looked imploringly to Louise who looked witheringly back before responding quite calmly

"Oh Phil don't worry he's here! He called me last night to come and get him because he was completely trashed. He said he was too embarrassed to call you to get him when he was like that for some reason and I offered him our sofa. I completely forgot to text you because it was SO late when he rang. I'm so sorry." Phil sighed audibly over the speaker and mumbled a very quiet 'thank god'. After a few seconds went by before he responded

"_As long as he's okay…Erm…Is he there now? Can I speak to him?"_ Louise quickly looked towards Dan whose eyes widened and he frantically shook his head.

"He's here but he's still sleeping at them moment. We both know how lazy he is." Phil chuckled on the other line slightly, agreeing. "When he wakes up I'll give him a good scorning and send him on his way back home, okay?" She answered kindly giving Dan a pointed look which basically said 'I'm not happy lying and you will owe me after this'

"_Yeah that's fine…Thank you so much Louise"_

"No problem! I'll text you when he's on his way and speak to you later"

"_Alright bye"_

"Bye, bye" She ended the call and placed the phone back onto the table in front of them. Her head swung back to look at Dan who was nervously biting his nails and finding particular interest in the carpet.

"Okay so I just lied to one of the nicest guys that we know for you so you better have a damned better explanation for me than 'I was drunk'" She stated folding her arms across her chest and staring him down. He glanced up nervously at her before pulling his hand away from his mouth and replying to her

"I've fucked up Louise…I really have. Phil's going to hate me if he finds out about this" He whimpered. Louise gave him a pitying stare, unfolding her arms and wrapping them around his shoulders in a comforting gesture as he began to shake trying to hold in the tears.

"Oh Dan…I know what you've done isn't morally right…Or legal, even if she did technically rob you, but Phil's your best friend. He wouldn't _hate_ you. He might be disappointed in you but he would never hate you" She smiled reassuringly at him whilst rubbing his back soothingly. He threw her a half smile and took a shuddering breath in before replying

"But he will…He told me-" At this Dan's throat began to close up again and he bowed his head in shame. Louise pulled back slightly to look at his face, keeping one arm around him and said

"What did he tell you Dan?" There was a long silence filled with Dan's shallow breathing which he tried to calm down before eventually replying

"He told me that…That he l-loved me and I just freaked the hell out and walked away from him and now I just-I don't even know what to do anymore Louise!" Dan confessed and then rapidly broke down in tears. Louise sharply pulled him back into a hug and almost started crying with him. She had never seen Dan like this before.

"Oh Dan" They remained like this for awhile as she allowed him to release all the pent up emotions which had been hurting him for a while. At one point her husband, Matt, walked into the room and gave a confused look towards his wife at the six foot man curled up to her on the sofa. However she just shook her head sadly and used one hand to gesture for his dismissal as she continued to try and comfort the hysterically emotional Dan. About five minutes after Matt's departure from the room Dan moved away from Louise a little and gave her a sad smile and took shallow breathes to try and calm himself down

"Sorry about that…I don't know where that came from" She smiled gently at the fragile man before her

"It's alright Dan. But, as much as I love you and love having you here, you do know you'll have to face Phil at some time. And you will have to talk it out." He exhaled wiping his tear stained cheeks.

"I know but…It's _Phil_. I don't know how to deal with his feelings. Hell, I don't even know what mine for him anymore. I've never been in love! Not with a guy at least…I've always been openly bisexual but there's a huge difference between thinking 'oh he's hot' to 'oh I want to have sex with him and spend all my waking hours in his presence and love him and so on'. That and he's always just been my best friend. The person I couldn't see myself living without, but now? I can't even look at him without feeling like my hearts going to implode. This constant pain I keep feeling when I see him looking so sad is literally killing me. Louise…What do I do?" Louise smiled tenderly at him.

'**Oh Dan. You are SO oblivious and stupid sometimes'**

"Go home to him Dan. Trust me when I say that you can't get any answers from me. Talk to him and act like a mature adult. For once" She threw Dan a cheeky wink causing him to smile briefly before she continued.

"You might not be in love with him Dan, but…I can, at the very least, see you care deeply about him" He turned away feeling his cheeks heat up slightly at Louise's comment.

"Alright" He finally said standing up and straightening his clothes "I'll go back to the flat and talk to him" She smiled happily and pulled him into a final friendly hug.

"Good. Shall I text him and let him know you're on your way back shall I?"

"Please" picking up her phone once more she typed a quick message to the worried ebony haired boy and sent it.

"Done" She replied and picked up her purse and rifled through if for a moment before handing him a few notes "I assume you need money for a taxi back too"

"Yeah…Thank Louise, I'll pay you back I promise"

"I know you will, now shoo. I need to spend some quality time with my hubby and daughter" He smiled kindly at her before walking towards her front door and out in the open air for the second time today.

'**In the outside world twice in one day. That's probably a record' **Dan thought amusedly. He repeated the process of calling a taxi and waiting before he was in the back of the vehicle. Taking out his headphones he plugged them into his phone, placed it on shuffle and began to hum the words.

_Crawling back to you_

_Ever thought of calling when you've had a few cause I always do_

_Maybe I'm too, busy being lost to fall for somebody new_

_Now I'm falling through. Crawling back to you_

He almost laughed out loud at the irony of the lyrics. He was basically crawling back to Phil.

He just hoped he would forgive him

…

Forty five minutes later

Dan spent quite a while loitering outside the building and even longer outside of his and Phil's apartment door. It was pretty pointless delaying the inevitable as Louise had already let Phil know he was on his way but he was still nervous. Maybe he could just sneak inside and into his room without having to confront Phil. Dan patted down his pockets in search of his flat keys, then slapped a hand against his forehead as he realised he hadn't taken them with him the night before. He let out a sigh of frustration and raised his fist

'**Now or never' **he thought to himself as he knocked on his apartment door and waited. It wasn't long before he heard the lock turn and watched the door swing open. Phil's hopeful face was in view for all of ten seconds for him to notice how distressed Phil must have been as his hair had not been straightened and there was slight stubble appearing from not shaving this morning. However ten seconds was all it took for Phil's face to turn from hope to happiness as he practically threw himself at Dan and pulled him into a hug.

"Dan you absolute basta-" Phil stopped, catching himself in time and breathed in Dan's scent to calm himself down. He tightened his arms around him slightly as he considered what to say however Dan seemed to beat him to it

"Phil I-…I'm sorry I worried you" Dan spoke softly into Phil's shoulder. Phil smiled blissfully when he felt Dan arms slowly circled round his waist to return the hug.

"It's fine Dan I just…When you didn't come back…After everything I would've never forgiven myself if…" Phil's breathing hitched as various horrific scenarios flashed through his mind causing him to bury his face more into Dan's shoulder and squeeze his eyes shut.

"I know, its okay, I'm here now" Dan comfortingly rubs a hand in circles on Phil's back "Maybe we should go inside and…Talk" Dan suggested, pulling back from him slightly. Phil opened his eyes and, realising he was still holding onto Dan with an iron grip, moved back quickly mumbling an apology. Dan just smiled reassuringly at Phil causing his heart to beat faster in his chest.

Phil entered the apartment first with Dan close behind, shutting the door. Phil went straight to the kitchen and turned the kettle on.

"Tea?" he called to Dan as he entered the room. "Or do you want to shower first? Cause er- No offence but, you do smell quite sweaty" Dan mentally cringed at the thought of why he smelt like that but smiled at Phil regardless of the crushing guilt that assaulted him.

"Yeah I'll do that first then" Phil beamed at Dan happy that he was talking to him seemingly normally and Dan awkwardly smiled back before speedily leaving for the bathroom. Dab closed and locked the door behind him

'**Oh Phil, if only you knew…You wouldn't smile at me at all' **Dan reflected solemnly before undressing and climbing into the shower. He turned on the hot water and wished that it would wash away the dirty deed he had committed as well as the smell of sweat.

Phil was in the kitchen happily preparing tea for both him and Dan as he showered; grateful that firstly, Dan was okay and not lying dead in a ditch somewhere and secondly, that he was finally willing to talk to him. He had just about finished and set the two mugs on the table when Dan reappeared in the doorway looking (and smelling) much more refreshed and dressed in loose gray joggers and a baggy shirt. Phil looked him over, appreciating his natural beauty even in clothes which would make anyone else look quite scruffy and lazy but, to Phil; it just made him even more attractive. He blushed slightly and thought of something to say before he got caught staring

"Nice shower?" he inquired starting the conversation first, for which Dan was grateful. Dan sent a small smile back, nodding and making his way to the seat next to Phil and thanking him for the drink.

"So erm," Phil began, looking at Dan who looked steadily back "I can't believe you got trashed and ended up at Louise's" he laughed slightly causing the corner of Dan's lip to turn up slightly in amusement. On the side however Dan was internally squirming at the fact he lied.

"Yeah well, you know me" He replied jokingly wringing his hands together apprehensively. Nothing was said for a few minutes as both men cradled and sipped their teas. Eventually though Phil asked the question that was troubling him most

"Is this my fault?" Dan turned towards his distraught roommate surprise written all over his face.

"Is what your fault?"

"This…Awkwardness. The fact that you went out, got drunk and then didn't come home" Phil responded burying his face in his hands and exhaled loudly

"Phil…" Dan felt the stab of guilt once more. He couldn't believe Phil was blaming himself after everything that Dan had done. HE was the one who had completely blanked his best friend's feelings and HE was the one who then went out and slept with another person. If anyone should feel guilty (and he definitely did) it was him not Phil. He placed his cup down and replied

"Honestly Phil you've done nothing wrong. It was just- I wasn't sure how I…I didn't…This is entirely my fault"

"But after what I said-"

"No" Dan interrupted "You basically poured your heart out to me and I-" **'Went out and slept with a prostitute' **"-I reacted badly" he finished hesitantly.

Phil raised his head out of his hands and looked earnestly towards Dan setting his own cup down.

"I kind of just sprang it on you though didn't I?" He half smiled at the younger man

"I did ask" he replied partly smiling back

Both men gazed at each other for a long moment before simultaneously leaning towards each other and wound themselves into a comfortable embrace.

"I hated not talking to you Dan" Phil mumbled into Dan's shoulder shuffling so he was closer to him.

"I know. Me too" Dan replied quietly holding onto him tightly. All was peaceful and relaxed in the embrace and they were finally starting to let go of the events they had both gone through and just enjoyed being with each other again. Finally Dan pulled away from Phil slightly and moved his head so close in front of Phil's that his nose actually grazed Phil's cheek in the process. Phil's face heated up at their incredibly close proximity and swallowed hard. Each time one of them would breath, the other would feel it

"Dan…" Phil half whispered not trusting himself to say anything more

Silence followed as neither man dared to speak, both completely entranced with one another. Dan couldn't help but stare into Phil's cerulean eyes and wonder how he had never noticed their beauty before whilst Phil looked lovingly into the brown eyes he adored seeing. Phil really wanted to kiss Dan. Dan really felt like he should kiss Phil. But he knew he should probably let him know how he felt first.

Phil watched as Dan reached out and took his hand by the wrist, slowly guiding it to the left side of his chest where his heart could be felt beating at an incredibly face pace. Phil's own heart faltered as he clenched onto Dan's shirt, connecting his eyes, once again, with the others. Dan smiled gently

"I wasn't lying when I said I don't know what love is. And maybe I never will know…But what I do know is that this is something only you can do to me…And I never want to lose that feeling…Or you" And with that said Dan took Phil's face with both his hands and pulled his head down to lay a gentle but sweet kiss to his forehead.

When Dan pulled back Phil's eyes began to fill with tears happiness and he closed them gradually as they pressed their foreheads together in an affectionate gesture. Phil didn't get the kiss that he wanted exactly and Dan didn't do what he felt like doing but in the end, it was a start.

All Dan had to do now was to get rid of that note in his jeans…

**AN: Hey there everyone! I hope this chapter wasn't too long or goes on too much (no internet for a few days can do wonders for no distractions when you're writing) Here's the main points of this chapter as I wrote a lot (sorrynotsorry). Dan has NOT told Phil about the prostitute. Him and Phil ARE together now (I'm not sure if I made it clear enough…) and Louise is the only person (apart from the woman who slept with Dan) who knows what Dan's done. Will he tell Phil? Will LOUISE tell Phil? Or will something else happen? And shall they stay together? Find out in the next chapter…Review please! *offers cookies and a free hug coupon* **

**Oh and curious quick question for those who want to answer in a review or a PM…Dan and Phil's new radio show, Yay or nay? Would like to know what people think **** Okay bye!**


	4. Chapter 4

The change in their relationship was gradual and subtle. To the point where nothing had really changed.

They had been together for about a month and it wasn't exactly what most people would call obvious. There were no heavy make out sessions, constant whispers of loving words, passionate nights filled with lust and making love, in fact, they still slept in their respective bedrooms. But…There _was_ the small things which Phil cherished, such as watching a film where Dan would end up with his head against Phil's chest and arms wrapped snugly around each other. Then there were the subtle things which Dan treasured most, like the way Phil would shyly intertwine their fingers and flash him a cheeky smile where his tongue appeared between his teeth causing Dan's heartbeat to pick up speed. But things never seemed to progress more than those small moments. Apart from the shit load of flirting they did behind closed doors, which they had done before they were together anyways, their relationship was pretty much at a standstill.

After months of confused feelings and seemingly unrequited affection, Phil had finally gotten what he wanted, yet...at the same time it almost felt like he hadn't. Sure it was obvious to anyone who saw those gestures that they were a more than just friends but he felt as if the relationship had a point that Dan wouldn't go past. For example, he was all up for holding hands and cuddling but if Phil got too close to his face or mentioned anything to do with loving him Dan would instantly close up and become distant until the next day. Phil began to wonder if there current coexistence was for his benefit rather than both of them. Phil found he was questioning himself constantly about whether he had somehow emotionally blackmailed Dan into being with him but apart from getting upset when he disappeared Phil couldn't think of a single thing for Dan initiating their current status…Unless he felt guilty? That would explain why Dan wouldn't even kiss him.

Whenever Phil asked Dan why he seemed so reserved he would just brush him off and claim Phil was either 'being ridiculous' or that he was 'just getting used to this'. Phil tried to push his thoughts to the back of his mind and believe him but he sensed there was an underlining problem the younger man wasn't sharing. He didn't want to call Dan a liar or anything, that would probably cause an argument, so he remained quiet.

"Dan do you ever do anything other than be lazy and spend an unhealthy amount of time on the internet?" Phil joked, running a hand through his untamed hair as he went round cleaning the lounge of any misplaced items. It was the day before the landlords official inspection to determine whether or not they would be allowed to rent their current apartment for the next year and if he should charge them extra for any damages they had caused. Not that they had damaged the apartment...Nothing in view anyway.

"Yeah. I date you." Dan retorted throwing a smirk in Phil's direction from his internet browsing position. Phil rolled his eyes, biting his lip to prevent the oncoming smile.

"I meant anything that helps keep the apartment looking not like a dump. I ask you to help and you always either forget or just sit there. I bet you've even forgotten we're going out tonight."

"Should've been more specific then." Dan replied back sassily. "And I haven't forgotten, ye of little faith. I planned it. Or did YOU forget that?" he added

With another eye roll Phil continued moving things around and putting them back in their assigned area's. When done with the lounge he moved towards the kitchen which was relatively clean so he decided against bothering with it. He strolled through the apartment doing a mental checklist on where he 's cleaned today. His room, the bathroom and now the lounge. He stopped in his tracks when he walked past Dan's slightly open door and peeked into his room. He sighed, exasperatedly. Of course Dan's room looked like a bomb site.

"Hey Dan?!" Phil called to his boyfriend, watching as he unplugged an earphone and shouted back

"Yeah?!"

"Did you clean your room like I asked you to, ever so nicely, earlier?!" Phil interrogated whilst folding his arms and leaning against Dan's door frame.

"Er-Yeah! Of course I have!" Phil smirked as he watched Dan swiftly pulled the other earphone out and scramble up, making his way towards his room in what was probably an attempt to make his room half decent before Phil saw it. He stopped when he saw Phil grinning towards him at his doorway with raised eyebrows.

"I meant I was going to do it now?" Dan said, giving Phil a awkward grin as he rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. Phil exhaled dramatically. Keeping his arms folded, he stepped away from the doorframe.

"Dan, You know the landlord is coming round to check the apartment tomorrow. If he see's your room like it is now he'll kick us out. Well, more specifically, you." He scolded

"Oh come on Phil, it's not that bad. He wouldn't kick me out over a bit of mess, he's not that cruel. Besides, it would affect you too. How would you possibly live without me?" Dan replied back flirting, moving closer towards Phil and brushing his hand against his bare arm, causing the older man to close his eyes at the touch and Dan grinned triumphantly.

"I'm sure I could manage not having to put up with your sarcastic attitude and lazy ways" Phil muttered back, turning his head away to hide the blush which was steadily gracing his face.

"You love me really" Dan replied offhandedly but froze immediately when he realised what he'd said. The atmosphere suddenly became tense as both men eyed each other warily at the mention of the 'L' word. Months ago this wouldn't have bothered either of them but under the current circumstances and recent events...Dan began to mumble an apology but Phil just held his hands up to cut him off.

"Forget it. Look you're obviously not going to do it anytime soon so...I'll clean your room" Dan's awkward expression morphed into one of surprise. He gazed at Phil's for a moment before replying

"Really?"

"Really, really." Phil repeated smiling slightly forcefully towards him. Dan scratched his head in thought before moving towards Phil, placing a hand on his shoulder and placing a swift kiss on his cheek before smiling gratefully , pulling back from him

"Thanks Phil, you're the best" Phil beamed at Dan's sudden affection and waited until Dan's retreating figure was out of sight until he gently pressed a hand to his heated cheek where Dan's lips had just been. He smiled happily to himself.

**'Maybe everything is normal. Maybe our relationship is just a little on the slow side' **Phil convinced himself and, shaking his head to clear his thoughts, he ventured into the obstacle course that was Dan's room. He sighed upon seeing how bad Dan's room was from the inside. How did he even sleep in here? The bed was littered with junk and the floor was hardly visible from the sheer amount of clothes which were scattered over it. Phil huffed frustratedly before beginning to clear the junk on the bed first.

**'Probably stuff for filming. He did use the camera earlier' **Phil concluded as he started to return the assumed props back to where they usually lived. After about fifteen minutes, and nearly breaking his neck, he had managed to clear the bed and strip it bare. He dumped the dirty sheets outside the door and began to round up the clothes strewn across the room. He grinned noticing a few of his shirts were also among the mess. They borrowed clothes constantly even before they were together but there just seemed something more intimate and romantic about it now they were technically together. Ignoring the fuzzy feeling in his chest, he continued cleaning. He dumped all the articles of clothing outside the bedroom door on top of the sheets, creating a mountain of clothes. Phil knew he wasn't done so he called Dan to come and collect the clothes and, begrudgingly, he did.

Phil closed the door behind him as Dan collected the clothes and set to work on the papers he noticed were scattered in the corner of his room. He picked up the letters and random scraps of paper and started to sort them into piles listing them mentally in his head as he went along.

**'fan mail, old bill, new bill, fan mail, BBC letter, fan mail, someone's number, business card, blank paper, fan mail, old bill...' **Phil frowned. '**Wait. Someone's number?'** He quickly placed the unsorted pile next to him and picked up the scrap of paper and blinked as he tried to make out the writing. He read what he could aloud

"_Dear handsome, __great time last-. -re's my number-. -guy's name. Kind of- gay thing.__" _Phil's brow creased in confusion as he tried to make out anymore of the note but was unable to read the writing as the smudged ink prevented him. Phil hastily shoved the paper in his back pocket and, suddenly feeling uneasy, decided to just shove the papers into one of Dan's drawers. He then quickly proceeded to make Dan's room look presentable before smiling to himself and heading to the lounge to relax and ask Dan about the note.

Walking into the lounge he noticed Dan had, apart from to collect the clothes, not moved from his position and was quietly singing to himself

"_You make me glow _

_but I cover up don't let it show _

_so I'm putting my defences up_

_cause I don't wanna fall in love_

_if I ever did that _

_I think I'd have a heart attack"_

Phil almost laughed aloud at Dan's attempt to quietly sing such a high pitched song and settled for slipping hims arms around the younger's shoulders and rest his chin above his head. Dan tensed at the physical contact but rapidly relaxed into the backwards embrace.

"Anything interesting on Tumblr?" Phil muttered into Dans hair as he breathed in his scent and pulled dan's earphones out so he could hear him. Dan grinned and continued to scroll and re-blog his usual re-blog's.

"Nope. Just the usual fluffy animals, Phan theories and love confessions in my inbox from random people" He laughed, re-blogging some more animals. Phil's content smile was then exchanged for an anxious lip bite as he felt the paper, metaphorically, burning a hole in his pocket. He felt the need to ask Dan what it was again. He moved so his head was resting comfortably next to Dan's and had the perfect view to gauge his reactions.

"So I cleaned your room..." Phil began, watching as dan glanced gratefully towards him then frowned as Phil seemed like there was something else he wanted to say.

"Yeah..." Dan answered, gesturing for Phil to continue. Phil bit his lip once more before continuing

"And I came across something really weird." Dan's eyes widened and he pulled away from Phil, shutting his laptop and and springing up looking guilty.

"Shit..." He mumbled "Phil, I can explain I swear." Dan answered running a hand through his hair. Phil watched and waited for him to continue. Dan exhaled loudly

"Look they were just a present from Chris as a joke last year! I haven't watched any of them I swear! I just sort of shoved them under my bed and-"

"Dan. What the hell are you talking about?"

Phil cut him off looking even more confused than before which in turn reflected confusion from Dan's face as well.

"Erm the porn that's under...We're not talking about the same thing are we?" Dan concluded trailing off at Phil's poor attempt at biting back his laughter.

"I don't think we are" Phil finally managed to get out as he prevented himself laughing hysterically. Dan just stood there with his arms folded looking unamused until Phil had managed to calm down before questioning him

"So what ARE you talking about?" Phil sobered up pretty quickly and reached into his back pocket and pulled out the piece of paper, handing it to Dan

"This"

Dan paled immediately as his mind quickly went into overdrive to find an excuse to cover up his mistake of not getting rid of it. Luckily the note was barely readable from the amount of time he had spent handling the damned thing. Not in interest of calling her but of feeling guilty. He felt the constant need to remind himself of what he did every time he got closer to Phil. It was almost like a reminder of how much of a fuck up he was. But he planned on properly forgetting the whole ordeal tonight. He looked back up at Phil who was watching him intently before decidedly shrugging.

"No idea. Must have been from a fan or something that I accidentally kept." Dan lied smoothly, folding the paper and throwing it on the sofa casually, as if it wasn't important. However this did not deceive Phil who retrieved the note and opened it once more

"Dan it's hardly readable but I can tell that it's not from a fan. It even says that-" Phil had begun ranting, full of suspicion but was harshly cut off by Dan

"Phil look, I'm not sure what it is. You know our subscribers always manage to send us stuff. Are you that surprised that one of them left their number hoping I'd call them? It was probably from one of those letters I left in the corner" The suspicion in Phil eyes quickly faded out as he realised he did find it in between his fan mail.

"Or are you calling me a liar and a cheat?" **'Even though that's exactly what you are' **a voice quietly reminded Dan in the back of his mind. **'Although you weren't even together at that point.' **Another voice in Dan's mind argued.

"No! Dan I-" Phil quickly swallowed looking away from Dan sheepishly and muttered an apology.

"Sorry...I just thought...I don't know..." His gaze fell to his feet and he shuffled awkwardly. He couldn't believe he had practically accused Dan of seeing someone else.

**'I'm such a horrible boyfriend' **He told himself harshly. Little did he know Dan was telling himself the exact same thing.

Dan bit the inside of his cheek in thought before walking around the sofa and reaching out a hand to intertwine with Phil's. Their fingers linked and Dan squeezed gently in reassurance. Phil's guilty gaze locked with his own comforting one.

"It's fine Phil. Lets just forget it happened and get ready to have fun tonight" Dan replied smiling. Phil returned his smile and disconnected their fingers to slide his arms around Dan in a hug which Dan gradually reciprocated.

"What did I ever do to deserve someone as amazing as you?"

"I should be the one asking that" Dan answered, ignoring the aching pain swelling in his chest. Dan gave Phil a final squeeze and released him.

"Come on. We have reservations for seven, so we'd better get ready"

"Okay" Thoughtlessly placing the paper back in his jeans, both Phil and Dan return to their respective rooms to get ready for their night out.

…

An hour later

"Remind me why we're doing something so cheesy again?"

"I _could_ remind you that this was your idea"

"I'd rather you didn't to be honest"

"Then shut up and order something" Dan groaned, scanning over his menu once more

"Pray tell Phillip, how I'm to order off a menu I cannot read?"

"The same way I am, Daniel" Phil grinned mischievously "By pointing at the pretty pictures and saying 'that one, please and thank you'" Dan smirked childishly back.

They were out celebrating both Phil hitting two million subscribers and the fact they had been officially together for a month (well a month and a bit). The meal at the restaurant had come at Dan's suggestion, much to Phil's surprise, but the older man welcomed the idea with open arms and allowed Dan to prepare the entire evening. He wasn't accustomed to Dan being this romantic or affectionate as he placed a hand casually over Phil's own, his eyes still glazing the menu he had been given. He made sure to throw Phil a wink which caused his cheeks to heat up and he hid his face behind his menu, curling his fingers around Dan's open hand. Eventually a waiter approached them

"Would the two handsome gentlemen like to order now?" He asked nodding to both Dan and Phil who nodded back. Throwing Dan a confident and smug look Phil ordered first

"Yes, I would like this please" He flipped his menu over and pointed to a picture of what looked like some sort of chicken dish. The waiter gave Phil a confused look before replying

"I'm sorry sir but, it clearly states on the front of the menu that all pictures in the menu's are merely for visual pleasure and not items which can be ordered" Phil's face began to burn as Dan bit his fist, trying to control the dire need to laugh his ass off. Phil awkwardly stuttered an apology as Dan decided to order for both of them.

"We'll just take the chef's special, thanks" The man nodded politely and excused himself. When the waiter had left Phil turned and glared at Dan

"Shut up."

"You really should have looked at the front of the menu first Phil. Could've saved you a lot of embarrassment" Dan sniggered

"Actually shut up. It's not like you knew either..." Phil trailed off, taking in Dan's suppressed smile and his avoiding gaze.

"Oh my god. You knew."

"I don't know what you're talking about Phillip" Dan replied nonchalantly. However his growing grin gave him away.

"You _knew_ and you just let me sit there like an absolute tw-"

"Hey! You where the confident one who was like 'oh it's fine! Just point at the pretty pictures and say please and thank you'. I wanted to see if it worked" Phil shot Dan more daggers

"Yes, well, we've established it didn't so drop it."

"Whatever you want my dearest. Would you like me to order desert for you as well? Or would you prefer to draw it for them?"

"I hate you"

They continued to playfully banter and bicker back and forth until their food arrived. Whilst eating, Phil took in his surroundings more clearly. Dan had clearly paid quite a bit of money to get them in here at the last minute. The place looked like something you would see out of a french movie, with chandeliers hanging from the ceilings and fancy decorated wooden and marble structures littered throughout the establishment. Not to mention the currently empty dance floor and stage which, presumably, was for an orchestral band to perform on. Gently Phil felt Dan begin to caress his knee under the table to get his attention. He tore his eyes away from the beauty of the building to look at his handsome best friend who cleaned up very well in a suit.

"What are thinking about?" Dan inquired, noticing the spaced out look Phil currently had as he looked around the room.

"Nothing just-" Phil paused in thought as he thought how to word his next sentence.

"It's so beautiful here and you've obviously gone to a lot of effort to get us in here. I just can't help but think that there's more to this than just celebrating me and you and my subscriber count" Phil stated. Dan smiled gently and his expression softened as he replied

"Well technically it is just to celebrate us and you, but...I wanted to show you how much I care about you Phil." Phil's face heated up considerably at this sudden announcement (He _really _hated his paleness sometimes) and Dan continued

"I did listen when you said you thought I was being reserved and, to be honest, I kind of was. I wasn't lying when I said I was getting used to this kind of thing Phil. For years you were just my bubbly best friend who was always there for me." Phil smiled blissfully back at Dan

"Same with you" Dan squeezed his hand slightly in acknowledgement

"Well from now on, I promise to try and be more sappy and touchy feely"

"...You killed the mood Dan."

"You love me really" Phil looked Dan dead in the eyes before replying confidently

"Yeah. I really do."

This time, instead of being awkward, Dan gracefully smiled back and stood up

"Let's dance" he declared suddenly

"W-what?" Dan dragged Phil up by the hand and guided them towards the middle of the dance floor.

"Dan! What if someone we know see's? Plus there's not even any music" Phil protested worriedly. However, Dan cut him off by reaching the middle of the floor and pulling him close, placing one hand on his lower back and their joined hand intertwining their fingers. Dan then nodded towards the waiter who had taken their order earlier and he nodded and bowed graciously back before disappearing behind the stage. Phil watched the exchange with confusion written all over his face

"Dan?" Music abruptly began to play

"Shh. Dance with me" He requested, pulling him impossibly close. Phil sighed before relaxing contentedly in the embrace Dan provided and the rhythm of the song

_'Settle down with me_

_cover me up, cuddle me in_

_Lie down with me_

_And hold me in your arms'_

They swayed gently from side to side with the music, just taking one another in. By now everyone in the restaurant was watching them but the only people they were watching was themselves. Phil placed his head carefully against Dan's shoulder whilst Dan tightened the arm around his waist.

_'And your hearts against my chest_

_your lips pressed to my neck' _

Phil cheekily placed a gentle kiss against Dan's neck, causing the younger man to shiver slightly and breathe deeply. Both men began to mouth the words as the song continued

_'I'm in love now_

_Kiss me like you wanna be loved_

_You wanna be loved_

_You wanna be loved_

_This feels like were falling in love_

_Falling in love_

_We're falling in love'_

"Okay. So maybe I was wrong." Phil spoke softly into his shoulder as they continued to move with each other to the music

"About what?" Dan asked curiously

"You didn't kill it. The mood I mean. In fact I think you topped it actually" Dan grinned at his statement and pressed a gentle kiss to the side of his head. Phil pulled back and stared into Dan's eyes which Dan reciprocated.

_Kiss me like you wanna be loved_

_You wanna be loved_

_You wanna be loved_

Phil broke the gaze first and looked down shyly. Dan used their interlocked hands to hook under his chin and force him to look back up. Dan's gaze lingered on Phil's lips before he licked his own briefly and leaned forward

_This feels like were falling in love_

_Falling in love_

_We're falling in love_

Dan captured Phil's soft lips with his own, right at the end of the song. They both remained that way for a few extra moments after the music had stopped, allowing their mouths to glide over each other and become accustomed to the unique way they moved and tasted. Phil pulled away first and simply stared at Dan through heavy lidded eyes in pure bliss. Dan smiled back, breathing heavily and leant his forehead against his lovers. They were pulled out of their own world by the restaurant bursting into applause at their beautiful moment. They both pulled away and looked around, smiling sheepishly. Dan grinned at Phil and bowed to the room causing both him and Phil to laugh loudly. They both reached for each other's hands in sync and began walking away from the dance floor. After their 'performance', as the waiter who brought their deserts put it, Dan and Phil quickly finished up their date and paid.

Walking out into the crisp air of the evening they decided to go for a walk to calm their still erratically beating hearts. Phil was leaning against Dan as they walked, hands intertwined. Phil had never been more happy in his entire life. He never wanted this moment to end and neither did Dan. But fate was never that kind, was it?

"Hey Phil?"

"Yeah?"

"I think I l-"

"_Hey handsome. Miss me?"_

**AN: Hey everyone! Hope you enjoyed this chapter! I thought I'd have a little more humour and romance in this one as my last one was quite angsty and sad. Please leave a review and fav/follow etc. *offers to cookies to reviewers* 10 Phan point's to the first person to review guessing who the mysterious person whose appeared at the end is ;D **


	5. Chapter 5

**TW(?): The song I used mentions Self harm so...Just to be safe. Oh and a LOT of swearing. Enjoy!**

The world seemed to stop for Dan.

**'Shit.' **was the only comprehensible thought which he seemed to be able to form at the sound of the familiar voice.

He turned slowly to look backwards, with Phil's hand still interlocked with his own, and saw her. The dark hair, the blue eyes and the slim figure that had haunted his conscience for so long was just standing there with her hands on her hips and a smirk on her lips. The unnamed prostitute. She confidently sauntered over to them, looking Dan up and down before her eyes zoned in on his and Phil's intertwined fingers and grinned mischievously

"So handsome, how's the whole 'I'm not gay' thing working out for you?" Dan glared at the woman, pulling Phil behind him slightly and saying nothing. Phil looked from Dan back to the mysterious woman and back to Dan again. His face grimaced in confusion before gripping Dan's hand tighter

"Dan...whose this?" Dan forced his eyes away from her to glance back at Phil who was looking at him inquisitively. Dan swallowed harshly.

"No idea."

"Oh come on now sweetheart, you were definitely pissed but not that pissed. Never would have taken you for a 'Dan' though" She replied nonchalantly, putting emphasis on his name. Raising a hand, she went to rest it against Dan's chest seductively however, Dan caught it in mid air and threw it back rather harshly causing her to frown. This did not deter her however

"Mind you, we did say no names and no feel-"

"I don't know you. Leave us the fuck alone." Dan cut her off abruptly

"Dan..." Phil tightened his grip more in a silent gesture to tell him to calm down. He shot Dan a confused look, feeling quite shocked at Dan's aggressive attitude towards the younger woman. It was kind of apparent that he did know her at this point...So why was he lying? He looked towards the woman as he addressed her

"Sorry but er, do you know us? Are you like a fan or something?" Phil asked politely giving small smile. She cast one more smug look towards Dan before smiling brightly at Phil and answering him

"Yeah. I'm definitely a huge fan of...Dan's" She paused for a second to take Phil in properly. She noticed he was just as attractive as Dan.

"Might I inquire your name though cutie?" Dan opened his mouth to protest but Phil had already replied before he could

"I'm Phil" Her eyes widened at his name her polite smile morphed into an almighty grin. She pushed her hair back and joined her hands in front of her to give an appearance of innocence.

"Oh so _you're _the famous Phil that Dan moaned out whilst we were-"

"_Shut up!" _Dan practically yelled, releasing Phil's hand and walking menacingly towards her, causing her to back away slightly. However this sudden aggressive did not stop her flirtatious nature as she continued

"Well doesn't this seem familiar? You backing me into a dark corner and-"

"I said _shut the fuck up_"

"_Dan!"_ Phil grabbed the back of Dan's jacket to prevent him, from what it looked like, going to attack the woman.

**'Who on earth could she be?' **Phil thought as he stared continuously between them both. Dan had gone from happy and caring to angry and defensive the second she had turned around and opened her mouth. She claimed to be a fan of Dan's but he would never act this way towards someone who watched their video's so...**'Maybe an ex girlfriend?'** But then why would Dan deny knowing her?...**'A stalker perhaps?'** Phil shook his head and carefully observed the exchanging angry glares from Dan and the flirtatious looks from the unknown woman. No one spoke as the dark haired woman shot challenging smirks towards Dan who glared back in an almost pleading way. Eventually Phil gave in to the deafening silence and stepped forward slightly in front of Dan

"So er miss...?"

"Sorry sweetie, I don't give out my name for safety reasons due to my line of work" She sent a wink towards Dan who as good as growled at her as if in a warning. This response just deepened Phil's confusion

"Right...Okay then, miss." He paused in consideration for a moment before continuing "What do you want with me and my boyfriend?"

The smirk never seemed to leave her face as she teased them both relentlessly. Dan could see she was clearly enjoying putting him through hell which did nothing but piss him off even more. **'Of all the places and all the times why did she have to be prowling around here?'** Dan wasn't one to believe in karma or fate but at the moment he couldn't help but think it was being a damned bitch. A little like the whore grinning at him.

"Well I did come to see why your handsome Dan here never called me back...But I'd be more than willing to offer my service's to both of you for half the price. Especially for someone as cute as you" She twirled a piece of hair between her fingers and watched their reactions. Phil looked immensely shocked and a little repulsed at the suggestion whilst Dan had to clench his fist's in an attempt to restrain his anger from taking control and saying something he might later regret.

"Sorry but we er, we don't do anything like that...We need to go now anyways so...Bye" Phil answered awkwardly, tugging at Dan's sleeve to pull him away and for them to leave the now revealed street walker, but froze at what she said next

"Well you're 'boyfriend' here could've fooled me"

The atmosphere became still and tense as the words sunk into Phil's mind. She wasn't possibly suggesting that her and Dan had...

**'No...Dan's not...He wouldn't...' **Phil's thought's trailed off as he peeked at Dan's rage contorted expression and he swallowed. **'Or...would he?'** It suddenly hit him like a ton of bricks. The guilty looks, the distancing from him earlier, the note...Dan must have cheated on him with someone else. A prostitute no less. No...He couldn't believe that...

"Dan?" He whispered quietly, tugging on his sleeve. Dan turned and his face instantly softened at seeing the ushered tears in Phil's eyes which were threatening to spill.

"Tell me that's not true...She's lying, yeah?" Dan forcibly smiled at him.

"Of course she's lying! When on earth would I have had chance to sleep with her? I never leave the apartment! And when I do it's usually with you!" Dan finished sending a smug look towards the dark haired beauty. Of course she didn't appreciate being called a liar just as much as he did. She ignored his triumphant look and concentrated on Phil.

"Believe him if you want love, but ask yourself this. About a month or so ago, was there ever a day when he didn't come home? Did he ever say he 'was on a business meeting' or 'was just staying at a friends house'?" Phil knew he should've ignored her and just pulled Dan away from her with him and gone home yet, there was something nagging him in the back of his head that she wasn't lying. Dan reached out began tugging at his arm for them to leave which wasn't helping his train of thoughts.

"There was that night you stayed at Louise's...But she said you were there all night..." He looked towards Dan who nodded suspiciously quickly

"I was. See? She's just messing with your head Phil"

"I am not. It's not my fault you're just a cheating scumbag" she retorted angrily

"I am not! We weren't even together at that point even if I did 'sleep with you'" He added air quotations at that part "You're just a desperate slag after our money-"

Phil buried his face into his hands as he tried to think whilst Dan and the prostitute continued to hurl insults at each other. Everything she said was making sense yet at the same time Phil was desperate to believe what Dan was saying. He deliberated about what to do and eventually came to a solution.

"Oh screw you. You're just pissed I took your money"

"Like I would give money to a-"

"_Shut up!"_ Phil demanded. His sudden outburst caused both male and female to become quiet instantly. Phil turned to her first

"So, you're basically saying you willing slept with my boyfriend for money?" She folded her arms confidently and nodded at him. Phil, ignoring the stinging sensation he felt in his heart, turned to Dan who had his eyes fixed to the floor.

"And you're _sure_ there's nothing you want to tell me?" Phil inquired pleadingly giving him a chance to own up. Dan removed his eyes from the ground to stare at Phil. He was silent for a second, making Phil's heart pound hard enough that he could feel his pulse all over his body.

"Positive"

Dan hated lying but he was sure as hell not going to admit to his sin now. He couldn't bare to lose Phil now. The older man sighed in response, eyeing them both warily. He then dug a hand into his jacket pocket and pulled out his phone and unlocked it. Both Dan and the prostitute watched as Phil held his phone up to his ear but it was Dan who broke the silence

"What are doing, Phil?"

"Calling Louise"

"_What?!" _Dan stressed, running a worried hand through his hair as he protested how pointless that would be but Phil silenced him

"Well someone's lying to me and this is the only way I can think of to find out who" He pressed speakerphone button on to make sure they could all hear when she hopefully answered. Dan panicking, wrapped his arms tightly around himself to cover up from the chill of the evening arm and said a silent prayer in his head that Louise would not pick up.

_Ring ring_

_**'Don't pick up'**_

_Ring ring_

_**'Please don't pick up'**_

_Ring r-_

"_Hello?"_

_**'Shit' **_He was well and truly fucked now. Unless Louise covered for him again.

Unfortunately he hadn't counted on what Phil would say.

"Hey Louise sorry to bother you but er...It's about Dan" Phil started his voice beginning to tremble slightly

"_It's no bother, Phil. What's up with Dan?" _God. Dan could practically hear the smile in her voice. It felt too surreal for her not to notice something was wrong.

Phil paused, thinking carefully over what he would say next. His eyes locked with Dan's as he spoke

"I know. About what he did with that woman" The line went silent as both him and Dan held their breathes.

**'Come one Louise!' **Dan pleaded in his mind **'Don't say anything! Or act oblivious at the very least!'**

The agonizing silence continued until finally...

"_...I'm so sorry Phil..." _

_**'Fuck.'**_

Phil instantly squeezed his eyes shut and placed a hand to his mouth to stifle a sob. He took a shuddering breath as he tried not to cry out in the middle of the street. He ended the call not needing to hear anymore from Louise and placed his phone back inside his jacket. He bit his lip, keeping his eyes shut and hoping this was all just a dream he could wake up from any second.

Dan's heart was in his throat as he desperately looked towards Phil who was avoiding eye contact by keeping them closed. He felt himself on edge as he cautiously approached Phil's slightly shaking body, trying to catch his attention as he gently spoke

"Phil?"

"You lied to me" Phil mumbled inaudibly, still not looking up.

"What?" Dan inquired tilting his head to the side.

"I _said_" Phil began more clearly, looking up and glaring _"You lied to me!"_ The rage in his eyes was evident and Dan almost flinched from seeing it. He wasn't use to seeing Phil angry, Phil was always the happy go lucky one who hardly ever got upset or irritated at anything. He looked away from Phil briefly and looked back beseechingly, attempting to stutter out an explanation

"Please Phil! I-I can explain!" Dan began helplessly. Phil clenched his jaw angrily and folded his arms, waiting for Dan too continue whilst giving nothing away apart from the silent tears falling from his eyes. Dan swallowed before carrying on

"You-We weren't talking and I-...I was so confused! You just told me how you felt and I didn't know what to say or do!"

"Oh, so you thought you would get the answer by going out and sleeping with a prostitute?" Phil replied bitterly

"Of course not! I wasn't thinking!"

"Obviously."

Dan frustratedly sighed and closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. Opening his eyes he saw Phil had wiped his eyes and was now full on glaring at him.

"Phil..."

"Any other excuses you want to give me?"

"I was drunk?" He offered weakly causing Phil to just shake his head in disgust at him.

"You're pathetic" And with that Phil turned and began to walk down the street. Dan remained frozen to the spot for a moment before walking quickly to catch up to Phil. He reached out a hand to grab his shoulder

"Phil! Wait a sec-"

The resounding crack of Phil's slap echoed throughout the empty street.

The sheer force Phil had put behind it sent Dan to the floor. He groaned from the explosion of pain in his left cheek then quickly turned so he was facing Phil who was glaring down at him, tears streaming down his face once more.

"_Don't fucking touch me" _Phil practically spat at the younger man. He turned on his heel and walked quickly in the opposite direction and out of sight.

Dan remained motionless, still in shock. He had well and truly messed everything up now. He raised a hand to his stinging cheek which was nothing compared to the heartbreak he was feeling over the way Phil had looked at him, like he was a piece of trash. He deserved this pain though. Gradually he got to his feet and gingerly brushed his suit down. The blue eyed woman who had watched the whole affair unfold began to move towards Dan and spoke cautiously

"Are you okay? That looked like it hurt" Dan pointedly ignored her and took his phone from his jacket and began dialling the number for a cab.

"Hey! Don't ignore me, I only asked you a ques-"

"Don't you think you've caused enough damage?!" Dan yelled at her. She looked shocked for a second before glowering at him

"You're the one who fucked up here. I just did my job."

And in a way she was right. She had gone and done what she did to earn her money and Dan, being the weak person he was, just gave in to her advances. It didn't, however, stop him being pissed at her.

"Fuck you" He said as calmly as he possibly could before turning to completely blank her out. Pressing an ear to his phone he ordered a taxi to pick him up and take him home. Hopefully he would be able to talk Phil into forgiving him. Somehow...

After calling the taxi firm he closed his eyes as his thoughts consumed him. The woman stared at him for a good few minutes before attempting to hit on him again.

"You know..." The prostitute began sliding discreetly towards Dan "I'm still working for the next few hours...I could help you to...Relieve some of your emotional stress. For a price of course."

Damn if he wasn't tempted. He was, after all, a human being with needs and after the shit he had just been through he could use some stress relief.

However unlike last time, he didn't have the stupid influence of alcohol in his system to lessen his thinking filter. He glared at her and she held up her hands backing away.

"Can't blame a girl for trying" He glared harder

"I can and will"

She smirked slightly and turned, walking away. She raised a hand to gesture her departure and called out

"If you change your mind you have my number" He groaned at her response and leaned against the brick wall behind him. Pulling out his phone once more, he plugged in his headphones and clicked shuffle on his playlist whilst he waited. He tapped his feet to the beat of the song as he let the events of the night catch up to his aching head and body

_Maybe I should cut my wrists_

_you know I've never been fucked like this_

_You rip my heart apart _

_you know who you are_

He buried his hands in his hair and cried out in frustration

_You're a god damn liar_

_You're a god damn liar_

_I don't wanna care_

_like I wanna care_

His chest began to close up and he struggled to breathe due to his body wracking sobs taking most of his breath away.

_You're a god damn liar_

_you're a god damn liar_

_I don't wanna care_

_like I wanna care_

He hated how songs could do that sometimes. Literally speak to you as if they had been recorded just for you in that moment. It was impressive really...But also fucking annoying. Fortunately the taxi had arrived and pulled up next to the pavement. Practically ripping his earphones out of his ears he shoved his phone hastily back into his jacket and clambered into the back of the car. Dan gave his address (after some inquiries from the driver as to if he was okay) and gazed out the window dreading arriving home. Eventually he closed his eyes, exhaustedly and whispered out loud

"_Phil..."_

...

Back at the flat, Phil hurried into his room, slamming the door shut and locking it firmly. He was emotionless for a few moments before sliding to the floor, back pressed against the door as he breathed deeply.

Dan had cheated on him.

Well technically he hadn't _cheated _on him exactly. They weren't actually together at the time. It still hurt though. It hurt like hell.

Phil might have forgiven him if Dan hadn't constantly lied to him. He could have told him straight after it had happened. Sure, he would've been sad. Angry even. But it was better than finding out like this that the person you loved reacting so badly to your confession that he had to go out, get drunk then sleep with someone else and then LIE point blank for ages about it until said person he slept with tells you after offering herself to them both. God his life sounded like some cheesy story written by a teenage girl with angst problems._**(Awesomely breaking the fourth wall...Sorry)**_

But there was another question bugging Phil that he didn't really want to confront

**'What else has he lied about?' **Phil just felt like he couldn't trust Dan anymore. Even when they were nothing more than friends, they always had a strict no lying policy. It wasn't a written rule or anything but they just knew that, no matter what, they could tell each other anything, from a bad dream Phil had to the dark thoughts Dan suffered during his existential crisis periods. But now Phil was beginning to doubt everything about Dan.

He couldn't cry. He cried the whole way home and was out of tears by this point. The only emotion which seemed to leak out of his heart now was raw anger. He clenched his fists tightly as his body began to shake violently with suppressed rage.

He wanted-

No. He NEEDED to hit something. Now.

Standing abruptly, his eyes quickly searched the room for something he could hit or throw about or SOMETHING that wouldn't break and hurt him. Finally he just decided to kick the wall a few times (hurting his foot) and then violently punch and throw his pillows around the room. After a tiring tens minutes of soft violence, and the occasional angry yell into the pillow he almost destroyed, he led on his bed panting. Exhausted out, Phil just lay there for an unmeasurable amount of time, allowing the empty sadness to devour him once again. He hated this. He hated feeling like this so much.

But despite everything...

He looked towards his door, holding his breath as he thought he heard the front door. After a minute however it became apparent that it was just his imagination.

...He still loved Dan.

He smiled bitterly at the irony of not being able to hate the one you love. But honesty...All Phil wanted was him here in his arms. He wanted to wake up from this nightmare and for Dan to tell him this was all a dream and none of it was real and that he loved him and would kiss him...But this was reality, and all of this happened.

Sighing heavily he rolled off his bed and onto his feet. He needed something to do to occupy his mind from this heart wrenching thought process. Moving around his room aimlessly he began to move things around his room, hiding that which reminded him of Dan too much and just fumbling with others just out of the sheer need to distract himself. Picking up the clothes he had changed out of from before he watched as a piece of paper slipped from his jeans back pocket and onto the floor. Frowning he bent down to retrieve it but dropped it instantly upon the realisation of what it was. The note. HER note.

Swallowing harshly, he picked the note up once again, re-reading what he could and mentally slapping himself due to his obliviousness. As he began to scrunch the paper into a ball, a thought suddenly came to Phil. Opening the note, he looked at the number, conflicted before reaching into his jacket and pulling his phone out. He called a hotel and rented a room for the next few days as he _really _didn't want to face Dan right now. Afterwards, biting his lip, he entered the number on the note into his phone and quickly typed out a text;

_Hey, it's Dan_

_Your offer still on the table?_

_Meet me tomorrow at Chancellors hotel_

_Tomorrow 8pm, Room 12_

He couldn't trust Dan to be honest with him anymore so he decided he would get the answers he needed from the source of Dan's deceit.

_Well, what a mood swing Handsome ;)_

_I'll be there. Don't forget your wallet though_

_I cost a pretty penny _

_as I'm sure you remember xxx_

He glared at her response before slipping his phone back into his pocket. Grabbing a rucksack out of his wardrobe he started packing it with about a weeks worth of supplies and zipped it up tightly. Hopefully he could finally get some answers.

Swinging the bag over his shoulder, Phil made his way towards the front door but paused when he gripped the front door handle. Dropping the bag in front of the door for a seconds, he hurried into their office room and grabbed some paper and a pen. He scribbled a quick note down for Dan and stuck it on his bedroom door, knowing that would be where Dan went to look for him first. He grabbed his bag and quickly left, locking the door behind him.

_Dan,_

_I need some time away to think_

_Don't call me or anything...I just can't look or talk to you right now_

_I am sorry about hitting you though..._

_Phil_

**AN: Well what an emotional roller coaster...This chapter is a tad later than I expected it to be (I was going through so much crap this week but I had _an amazing best friend _whose helped me through it :) I'm sure she'll review and see this so THANK YOU AND HI! XD ) Reviews make my world go round so please do! WHAT'S PHIL GOING TO SAY...OR DO TO THE PROSTITUTE WHEN HE MEETS HER? WILL DAN AND PHIL OFFICIALLY SPLIT UP? WHO KNOWS...STAY TUNED FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER! :D**


	6. Chapter 6

Phil had never regretted anything so much in his life.

But he needed answers...So here he was.

The silence was utterly deafening as he sat smartly on the made up bed and waited patiently in the darkness. He must have checked the provided alarm clock at least fifty times whilst waiting for the woman who had ruined his relationship to show up. She was already about an hour late and he was getting sick of being in the small hotel room. There was nothing wrong with the room of course. The room was relatively clean and the furniture wasn't horrible but actually quite modern and respectable. It was just the thought...The thought that his boyfriend (if he was even that anymore) could have been someplace like this, maybe even this hotel, maybe even this damn room and willingly...Well, he just didn't want to think about it. It made his stomach churn uncomfortably. Running a hand through his already messed up hair he resisted the urge to start pacing up and down the room.

Suddenly the door handle rattled as someone tried to open the locked door and eventually a voice followed

'It's rude to invite someone over and then lock them out handsome'

It was her.

Standing abruptly he made his way over to the door. His hand hovered above the lock as he took a deep breath, he unlocked the door and opened it enough for her to slip in but not enough so that he could be seen by the dimmed light in the outside corridor. Once she was inside he quickly shut the door and locked it, releasing the breath he hadn't even realised he was holding. Turning his attention to the younger woman he watched as she eyed him cautiously before beginning with her usual flirtatious banter.

'So, ready for round two?'

Phil remained silent as he realised that she couldn't tell him and Dan apart in the darkness. He supposed it wasn't really that surprising giving the similar traits they shared such as hairstyles, height etc. but nonetheless he had expected her to at least realise that this whole situation was a little suspicious. Especially in her kind of work. He remained quiet as he watched her. Obviously he had better eyesight in the dark than her as he watched her reach out blindly towards him and clutch the front of his shirt.

'Damn it. I can't see a thing in this darkness.'

Her free hand began sliding around on the wall searching for a light switch. Phil grabbed her wrist and dragged it away from the wall to prevent her from finding it and revealing who she was actually dealing with. She however took this gesture in a completely different way

'Oh you wanna do it in the dark this time? Bit of a kink for you is it? Make you feel _dirty_?'

She replied seductively, bringing her caught arm to caress up and down Phil's torso. The first thought to Phil's mind was **'A kink of Dan's? He's terrified of the dark. She doesn't know him at all.' **His train of thought was cut off immediately when she tugged him downwards with her hand at the back of his neck to attach her lips to his.

His eyes widened in shock from the contact but he tried to relax into it and kiss her back. It felt different. Strange even. After having such a perfect kiss with Dan and comparing it with this hungry and empty kiss made him feel sick and dirty. But Dan had done this to him so why shouldn't he do it right back? Why shouldn't Phil just use this woman the way he had and then not tell him. Let her tell him the truth like she had told Phil...

But of course that wasn't who Phil was. He respected himself and everyone else around him too much to do something so cruel. No matter how much they'd hurt him. He ripped his mouth away from hers

_'Stop'_ He hisses.

The woman stiffens and steps back instantly falling backwards onto the mattress when the back of her knees hit the edge of the bed. Phil turns and flicks the lights on, bathing them both in the same murky light out in the hotel corridor. She instantly frowns upon seeing him and squints her eyes suspiciously at him.

'Not to point out the obvious...But you're not Dan'

'No. I'm not.'

Her frown deepens for a moment before being replaced by her rehearsed teasing smile.

'Well I did offer my services to you yesterday. Providing you have the money of course...'

Phil the reached into his jeans back pocket and pulled out a decent sized wad of notes. Her eyes instantly lit up and she all but jumped up from her position on the bed and stalked towards him, her eyes never leaving the money.

'Now we're talking'

She reached an outstretched hand towards the paper but blinked harshly in confusion as Phil withdrew the money and placed it back into his pocket.

'No, but we will be if you want the money.'

The prostitutes brow furrowed impatiently and she folded her arms

'I'm sorry, what?'

'Talking. I need answers and you want money. Seems like a reasonable deal to me'

'That's not the kind of service I offer sweetie as I'm sure your boyfriends told you. I'm a prostitute not a therapist or your fairy god mother'

Silence followed after her statement and both stared each other down until Phil smirked slightly and casually replied

'How much do you usually get paid for your...services?'

The prostitute looked taken aback by this sudden question and became defensive

'I don't see how that's any of your-'

'How much?'

Phil interrupted harshly, glaring. Her gaze never faltered as she responded cautiously

'Give or take a hundred, why?'

Phil pulled out the money again, observing as her eyes lit up with interest once more. He waved casually in front of her face.

'There's about four hundred there. Are you really gonna pass up talking to me for an hour for that kind of money?'

Her gaze was ripped away from the money momentarily at the mention of how much there was. As she stared in surprise at Phil she said incredulously

'You'd really pay _that_ much? Just to talk?'

'Well if you don't want it-'

She snatched at the money, glaring when Phil pulled his hand away again. Eventually she rolled her eyes

'I never said that now did I?'

She walked away and perched herself on the edge of the bed assessing Phil for a moment before finally sighing and patting the empty space beside her

'Well out with your damned questions then. You have an hour and then I expect my money'

Phil hesitated before slowly moving towards the space beside her and filling it. He made sure to put a certain amount of distance between them to send her a message that he wasn't comfortable with her or the situation. Her gaze lingered on him warily and she raised an eyebrow in question as she waited. Phil had spent hours last night thinking of what to say to her but now that she was here in the flesh, he was struggling to think properly. Did he really want to know all the gory details of how Dan had cheated (even if it technically wasn't cheating it was as good as). He rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly before speaking.

'I-' He hesitated.

'Is this the first time?'

'If you're asking me if this is the first time he's cheated on you then I couldn't tell you sweetie'

At seeing his crestfallen face the prostitute felt a pang of guilt and quickly added on

'If you meant have we done it before then no. I've never seen him prowling around for or with anyone else in my, ah, line of profession either. If it helps...He doesn't seem like the type to do this kind of thing really'

This reply seemed to have the desired effect as the heartbreak slipped from his expression slightly. She almost smiled at the tiny smile which graced his face but reminded herself that he was practically blackmailing her into answering his questions so she kept her solemn expression firm.

After a brief silence Phil speaks up again

'Did he..Mention me at all?'

'Only when he moaned your name out during sex'

This statement made Phil both sick and confusedly happy. At least he was thinking of him...Even if it was whilst he was doing the worst possible thing ever. Phil hesitated before asking another question.

'Did he...Seek you out?'

'No. We..."met" at a bar'

Phil tilted his his head to the side in confusion and gestured for her to continue. She sighed before carrying on

'He was sat alone drinking and looked like a kicked puppy. I noticed him looking at me so I flirted with him. At first he seemed completely repulsed by my advances but then suddenly had a mood switch'

She paused to bite her lip in concentration for a second before adding

'I think it was cause I suggested he was gay'

Phil closed his eyes for a second to take everything in. Dan had rejected her at first...Phil wished she hadn't implied Dan wasn't straight. He remembered how badly he reacted to that sort of thing especially when the whole 'Phan' thing had gotten out of control a few years ago. But still that was no reason to go and sleep with a prostitute just to prove a point. If that was what he was even doing. Phil cleared his throat as he cautiously questioned

'Then what?'

She frowned pityingly towards phil before answering

'Are all the gory details really gonna make you feel any better?'

'They might.'

She rolled her eyes and promptly stood up, brushing her clothes down and straightening them out. She looked up to find Phil staring at her and waiting for a response. She sighed exasperatedly and stated

'Look, we danced, we kissed, we fucked and then I took most of his money in the morning and left him with little more than a few notes. Is that what you wanted to hear?!'

Phil buried his hands and then grabbed at his hair in frustration, replying in a harsh thick voice

'Do you really think that's what I wanted to hear?! I just want the truth and I obviously can't trust him enough to believe him so I've got nothing to lose listening to you have I?!'

He let out a body shaking sob and dug his nail into his palms in an attempt to calm himself down. He hated this, having to take a chance on a complete stranger who could have been dangerous for all he knew just because he couldn't believe that the supposed love of his life told him. He just wanted to go back to how it was before he found out. More than anything.

'I just love him so much and I don't know what to believe anymore'

The woman opened her mouth as if to say something but shut it quickly, biting her lip. She perched herself back on the bed and carefully placed a hand sympathetically on his shoulder. However this gesture just caused the sobbing to become worse which made her rub small, comforting circles on his back to calm the hysterical boy.

'Look I know it's not much consolation...But he obviously cares a lot about you to go to the extent he did to keep this from you...And from what I've seen he loves you back...Everyone makes mistakes in life and your boyfriend has obviously made a huge one...But he regrets it right?'

Phil sniffed, still not looking up

'I think so...But it doesn't change the fact he _lied _about it...I know we weren't technically together...But I told him how I felt and I...I don't know'

A sudden realisation hit her and she blurted out

'He was out drinking because you told him how you felt, wasn't he?'

'I think so'

Guilt suddenly overwhelmed the younger woman and she inhaled deeply. Dan was confused about his feelings for Phil and after her suggesting he was gay, he must have reacted in anger and fear by sleeping with her. She began sadly biting her nail. Usually this sort of thing didn't effect her but she never usually had to see the aftermath of the things she had done. The relationships she had ruined.

'...I'm sorry'

Phil looked up at this statement and swallowed hard.

'What?'

'I'm sorry...For everything...Sorry for sleeping with Dan, sorry for causing a scene, sorry for ruining your relationship, just...Everything.'

Phil watched her swallow back her own guilty tears and look away from him. He smiled weakly towards her and practically whispered

'Thank you'

She brought her gaze back to his and gave him a small smile of her own. The silence stretched out for a while, neither of them wanting to break the blissful peace which had formed. Suddenly the woman's phone began blaring out music as she fumbled in her pocket to turn it off

_They break me down I can't block the sound So I turn to the one thing I know will not let me down People don't think to ask whats wrong I stop and go to the beat of the broken flow in blood_

Awkwardly she hit the end call button and slid the phone back into her pocket without saying a word. A few moments more and she finally quietly spoke

'I have to go'

Phil nodded in understanding and they simultaneously stood. She begins to walk towards the door but Phil grabs her arm to stop her

'Wait! I promised you this money for your time'

He shoved the wad of notes which were previously tucked in his back pocket into her hands. She looked at them for a moment before pressing them back into his hands.

'I can't take this. It wouldn't be right...After everything I've done I think this conversation will be free of charge'

She smiled tightly at the surprised look on his face and slipped out of his grasp. When her hand was on the door handle he called out

'What's your name?'

'We're...Not really supposed to say...'

'...Please...'

She paused before replying hesitantly

'My names Charlotte'

Phil smiled brightly towards her

'Well Charlotte I think you're a nice person really. I don't know your circumstances or anything...But I think you deserve a better life than all...This'

He gestured towards the hotel room implying her line of work. She stared at him and smiled her sadly back at him, opening the door. He walked past her but stopped to give her the money once more, insisting she have it.

'You need it more than I do.'

And with that he walked swiftly past her, ignoring her protests and calls for him to come back. The last thing he says before turning round the corner is

'Thanks for the chat, Charlotte!'

And with that he was gone.

Charlotte fondles the money checking the amount. **'Four hundred...Just like he said' **She smiles gratefully and wishes she had someone as wonderful as Phil in her life to fall in love with. **'Dan's one lucky man...I just hope they can work things out'**

With those final thoughts she walks down the corridor and out into the cold night and back into the harsh world of reality where everything is about money and the only way she knows how to make it is through the ways of being a street walker. She leans against the wall and breathes in the cold air before a dark stranger walks up to her

'Hey sweetheart. How much for an hour?'

His rough voice gives the woman the chills. She looks at him for a few seconds in consideration before remembering phil's words '_**You deserve a better life.' **_Shaking her head she coldly replies

'Piss off mate. Not interested'

With that she walks off down the street into the night, smiling.

…

**AN: Hey guys...Hope this was okay and my apologies for no Dan this chapter. Also sorry for the late update...Unfortunately yesterday my Grandma passed away after having a stroke so this was story's chapter was literally my escape from reality for a while so I apologise also for any errors (I cried a little writing and stuff) and anything not making sense (point it out to me and I'll correct it) WARNING FOR NEXT CHAPTER. INCREDIBLY SAD AND HUGE TRIGGER WARNINGS.**

**I dedicate this chapter to my Grandma whose hopefully watching over me now. Love you Grandma x**


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